Signs you are dating a sex addict
Portrait of the couple in an embrace; the
author couldn't quite see what was going
on when she took it either.
There is life after divorce. But if yours,
like mine, was of the traumatic, brutal
variety, you just might be ripe for some
traumatic, brutal dating. After losing my
husband, my ability to have children, and
failing to get my book published, my self-
esteem was in the toilet. It didn't help
that I couldn't seem to find anyone even
close to willing to date.
"Let's put an expiration date on this up
front," said the closest thing to a
boyfriend I'd had in years. "OK," I said.
And we stuck to it.
Then along came Jon.* Jon of the aquiline
nose, curly hair, and abs you could
bounce a quarter off of. This guy wanted
to be my boyfriend? OK!
But it was not to last. After a disastrous
joint trip to California -- during which he
stayed with his friends while I stayed
with mine -- I realized we weren't
building intimacy, and ended things. A
couple of weeks later, while researching
an article, I recognized a close call. I'd
just broken up with a sex addict. And not
because of the sex. In fact, our sex life
was wickedly hot.
A little porn is exciting, right? He loved
the fact that I didn't judge him for it. Why
would I? He didn't judge me for the
number of sex partners I'd had. Quid pro
quo. Besides, I'd discovered a use for porn
myself a few years earlier. Prior to my 30s
I'd found pre-taped sex kind of horrifying,
but the plethora of online choices
presented a whole new world.
My divorce had taken place while I was
living in a Muslim country where dating
was illegal. Porn plugged the gap just
fine, and still could occasionally. Who was
I to judge someone else's habit? But once
I started looking into it, it became pretty
clear that he was using porn addictively.
Compulsive sexual behavior, the more
clinical phraseology for sex addiction, is a
progressive disorder. This doesn’t mean
an addict is bound to become a sex
offender. But the addiction does have the
same traits as any other: escalation of
behavior; loss of control; preoccupation
and obsession; tolerance and withdrawal
symptoms; and increasingly disastrous
consequences.
Sex addicts prey on others with low self-
esteem. The charm and attention acts as a
salve to someone who’s been sexually,
verbally or physically abused, but
ultimately will reaffirm negative image
patterns.
So what does this actually look like?
Below are five signs I discovered that
rang true in my experience. Had I known
about these red flags, I might have saved
myself the hassle and ended things
sooner. I'm just glad I ended things,
unlike my friend Megan.
"I'm not prudish, I didn't care about his
porn," she says. "Until the doctor told me I
had chlamydia, which my husband finally
confessed he'd gotten from his brother."
Five signs you might be dating a sex
addict:
1. He's a flake/liar.
He's always late, and always has an
excuse. Sex addicts lose time to their
addiction, everything else comes second.
They will say whatever is necessary to
cover.
2. He hates condoms.
Unsafe sex is a sign of someone willing to
engage in dangerous behavior. It's merely
the tip of his thrill-seeking when it comes
to sex.
3. He's never drawn a single breath.
This guy is always in a relationship, going
from one partner to the next, often with a
history of cheating. News flash: you aren't
going to change him!
4. He’s stuck in childhood.
Maybe he attributes feelings of guilt and
shame to his [insert religion/parent/etc
here] upbringing. The watchwords are
guilt and shame. Addicts are ashamed of
their sexual behavior.
5. You’re asking.
If you're wondering if the guy you're
dating is a sex addict, ask yourself if
you're prone to catastrophize situations or
are genuinely concerned about the blister
he's given himself masturbating.
In fact, it doesn't matter why; if you’re
uncomfortable with your partner’s sexual
preferences, there’s no reason to tolerate
them. If you're dealing with an addict,
eventually the lack of trust will build and
intimacy will erode. There are ways to
recover, but it's a challenge. Consensual
sexual behavior is complex, and no one
wants to think of herself as a prude. Until
the chlamydia.
SEX/LOVE
5 Signs You’re Dating
a Sex Addict
Sex addicts prey on others with low self-
esteem. The charm and attention acts as a
salve to someone who’s been sexually,
verbally or physically abused, but
ultimately will reaffirm negative image
patterns.
author couldn't quite see what was going
on when she took it either.
There is life after divorce. But if yours,
like mine, was of the traumatic, brutal
variety, you just might be ripe for some
traumatic, brutal dating. After losing my
husband, my ability to have children, and
failing to get my book published, my self-
esteem was in the toilet. It didn't help
that I couldn't seem to find anyone even
close to willing to date.
"Let's put an expiration date on this up
front," said the closest thing to a
boyfriend I'd had in years. "OK," I said.
And we stuck to it.
Then along came Jon.* Jon of the aquiline
nose, curly hair, and abs you could
bounce a quarter off of. This guy wanted
to be my boyfriend? OK!
But it was not to last. After a disastrous
joint trip to California -- during which he
stayed with his friends while I stayed
with mine -- I realized we weren't
building intimacy, and ended things. A
couple of weeks later, while researching
an article, I recognized a close call. I'd
just broken up with a sex addict. And not
because of the sex. In fact, our sex life
was wickedly hot.
A little porn is exciting, right? He loved
the fact that I didn't judge him for it. Why
would I? He didn't judge me for the
number of sex partners I'd had. Quid pro
quo. Besides, I'd discovered a use for porn
myself a few years earlier. Prior to my 30s
I'd found pre-taped sex kind of horrifying,
but the plethora of online choices
presented a whole new world.
My divorce had taken place while I was
living in a Muslim country where dating
was illegal. Porn plugged the gap just
fine, and still could occasionally. Who was
I to judge someone else's habit? But once
I started looking into it, it became pretty
clear that he was using porn addictively.
Compulsive sexual behavior, the more
clinical phraseology for sex addiction, is a
progressive disorder. This doesn’t mean
an addict is bound to become a sex
offender. But the addiction does have the
same traits as any other: escalation of
behavior; loss of control; preoccupation
and obsession; tolerance and withdrawal
symptoms; and increasingly disastrous
consequences.
Sex addicts prey on others with low self-
esteem. The charm and attention acts as a
salve to someone who’s been sexually,
verbally or physically abused, but
ultimately will reaffirm negative image
patterns.
So what does this actually look like?
Below are five signs I discovered that
rang true in my experience. Had I known
about these red flags, I might have saved
myself the hassle and ended things
sooner. I'm just glad I ended things,
unlike my friend Megan.
"I'm not prudish, I didn't care about his
porn," she says. "Until the doctor told me I
had chlamydia, which my husband finally
confessed he'd gotten from his brother."
Five signs you might be dating a sex
addict:
1. He's a flake/liar.
He's always late, and always has an
excuse. Sex addicts lose time to their
addiction, everything else comes second.
They will say whatever is necessary to
cover.
2. He hates condoms.
Unsafe sex is a sign of someone willing to
engage in dangerous behavior. It's merely
the tip of his thrill-seeking when it comes
to sex.
3. He's never drawn a single breath.
This guy is always in a relationship, going
from one partner to the next, often with a
history of cheating. News flash: you aren't
going to change him!
4. He’s stuck in childhood.
Maybe he attributes feelings of guilt and
shame to his [insert religion/parent/etc
here] upbringing. The watchwords are
guilt and shame. Addicts are ashamed of
their sexual behavior.
5. You’re asking.
If you're wondering if the guy you're
dating is a sex addict, ask yourself if
you're prone to catastrophize situations or
are genuinely concerned about the blister
he's given himself masturbating.
In fact, it doesn't matter why; if you’re
uncomfortable with your partner’s sexual
preferences, there’s no reason to tolerate
them. If you're dealing with an addict,
eventually the lack of trust will build and
intimacy will erode. There are ways to
recover, but it's a challenge. Consensual
sexual behavior is complex, and no one
wants to think of herself as a prude. Until
the chlamydia.
SEX/LOVE
5 Signs You’re Dating
a Sex Addict
Sex addicts prey on others with low self-
esteem. The charm and attention acts as a
salve to someone who’s been sexually,
verbally or physically abused, but
ultimately will reaffirm negative image
patterns.
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